The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Even my vagina gasped.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
