My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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