I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
