I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
