sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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