I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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