Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
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I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
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