Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
