Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize