Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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