I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
