Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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