I hate all girls vehemently.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
