please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
