Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize