Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
