seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
