Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
