ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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