I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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