I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
