I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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