Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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