I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Randomize
