before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
