i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I met the friendliest cop last night
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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