Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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