can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
