just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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