Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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