Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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