I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
