I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
