Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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