Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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