Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
