I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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