I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
