I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
how do flat chested girls get laid?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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