my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
