Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
