That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
