Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
