the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
