Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
