dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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