Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
