Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
