youre lurking in front of me
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
