you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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