Michael Bay diarrhea
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
