I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
