dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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