eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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