I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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