and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
it glows. i had to have it.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
