went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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