is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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