I looked at my own cervix.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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