on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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